Yesterday morning was not one of my better parenting mornings. On Friday mornings, I watch my 2 and 4-year-old boys while my wife works from home. One of my favorite activities to do with the kids is to take them fishing on the nearby James River. I can’t stand being inside during the warm weather months and I find that the boys also do much better when they can get out and explore. So yesterday, off we went to explore the James. It was a beautiful day. Everybody was well rested. Snacks? Check. Potty breaks? Check. Fishing gear in working order? Check. Everything was in order, except for one thing: my expectations. For whatever reason, I got it in my head that this time I would get a bucket of minnows in the hopes of catching a bigger kind of fish then we normally do. Boy, wouldn’t that be exciting! I could picture it clearly—me catching a big and fascinating flounder that the boys would reel in and study excitedly on the pier. What a Dad! What a special moment that would be. I had to catch that flounder!
Well, in my excitement to catch a flounder, I unwittingly ruined our morning together. I set us up for frustration and disappointment by created a competing exploration goal to our outing. An adult exploration goal. I wanted to catch a “big fish”. My four year-old, he just wanted to catch any kind of fish. He’d have been happy with catching a guppy (In fact, he takes extreme pleasure in catching “baby fish”). My 2-year-old, he just wanted to hang out with me and his big brother and play around (spit in the water, play with the minnows in the bucket, eat ice from the cooler). We had a miserable time. Drew screamed every time I put the minnow bucket in the water (He wanted to play with them. I wanted to keep them fresh and lively. What good is a dead minnow to a flounder?) Josh complained because we weren’t catching any fish (But if he would just be patient enough to let me catch him that flounder, then he’d be super happy!) I grumped, fussed, and growled most of the time (ungrateful kids!).
Later, I realized that this is how we often bump into frustration in parenting. Sometimes it is unavoidable. For instance, when I go to the grocery store I have a necessary adult exploration goal (to pick out my groceries) that it isn’t going to second itself to my child’s exploration goals (Joshua: find the newest Spiderman-themed product; Drew: grab items off random shelves and put them in the cart). But this was not one of those situations. I had forgotten that, in this case, my first goal was to have a good time with my boys, not catch a flounder. To do that, I needed to explore on their terms, not try and get them to explore on mine. I wanted us to have a Harbor Time together, and the first rule of Harbor Time is “follow your child’s lead” which means saving my personal exploration goals for another time. The flounder can wait.
Leave a Reply